Conversations are all about being together in the same mind.

When two people are really talking to each other, it’s likely that they’re on the same frequency with one another. This is something that can be felt, and it’s in the heart where this happens.

Then what does it mean to be on the same frequency? This means you’re thinking about the same thing, you’re sharing the same emotion as you imagine what they’re talking about.

This is something that comes easily for some. It feels like the people who are highly empathetic know how to vibe with one another more easily.

I myself, am not a natural conversationalist, so I had difficulty managing social situations, but as I started applying some of these fundamental principles, I’ve been having better and better conversations.

The first thing that we must learn is to connect our speech with our emotions. Words that we speak that do not match what we feel in our hearts feel somewhat awkward or forced. To the more empathetic, this can be felt even more clearly.

So the first exercise that I did was to be dead honest with my feelings. I started observing and labeling the emotions in my heart in various situations and started naming them. This feeling I have is right now is anxiety, this is excitement …

In order to truly connect with one another, we must feel what they’re feeling, which creates a “vibe” or a “chemistry” that gives us a sense of oneness with one another at the moment. The more we know our emotions, the broader we can relate.

So here are some fundamental principles behind having better conversations.

1. Observe your emotions

When we’re speaking with another person, oftentimes we’re thinking about what we should say next, or how we should respond. That never really works out.

Consider the following dialogue:

“It was nice weather during the weekend, wasn’t it? I went out surfing with my family, what did you do?”

And one responds

“Yeah, it was good…”

He is probably thinking about what he should say, or what the right thing to say is. His mind is boggled and is contemplating which one to pick from the generic things that run through his mind. And his emotion? I can only guess, but he’s probably uncomfortable and is feeling anxious.

So what he speaks does not match his emotions, and the conversation starts becoming awkward. Instead of thinking about what to say, we should try to imagine what we would’ve felt if we were in their situation.

A better response could be

“Oh, that must’ve been really exciting! how were the waves? I didn’t get up to much myself! I just walked my dog to the park and had a coffee at a cafe…”

Something along those lines. You could probably think up one better than mine.

All in all, it’s about being one with that person at that moment, sharing the same feelings, and speaking what comes from the heart.

2. Try to listen. I mean REALLY listen

Have you ever had situations when you were in the middle of a conversation and you lost focus for a few seconds and you don’t remember what the other person was saying? So when the conversation came around, you were lost for words and responded with mmhmm followed by silence, or was forced to ask an awkward question or two?

This is a listening sin that I commit too often. It’s easy to get distracted by our own thoughts while the other person is speaking. Maybe they reminded us of something important and our thoughts got sidetracked for a few seconds that made us lose track of the conversation.

To listen well is to intentionally focus. It’s easy to lose grip of it especially if the conversations start becoming difficult, or when it isn’t to our taste, or simply if we don’t care enough. So let’s focus on the other person. Not just on the words, but on his expressions as well as his tone of voice and body language, which altogether creates a unique vibration; let’s try to feel what they’re feeling and be present where they are.

Hearing is listening to what is said. Listening is hearing what isn’t said.
– Simon Sinek

Listening well is a skill that must be trained. The key is to be intentional.

3. Ask good questions

When was the last time you felt like you had a good conversation? Did you feel like you were understood? Did they listen closely to what you had to say? Did they ask you questions to give you the space to express your thoughts and feelings freely?

We all know that it feels good to be heard, to be understood, and when we know that the other person is genuinely interested in our story.

Imagine you’re telling a story about what happened during the weekend, or at work, as you tell your story, she looks at you and nods intently, and she confirms their interest in the conversation by asking you questions to know more about it, and you go on and on and on.

Now, let’s put the situation in reverse, and do the other person a favor by letting them express. Instead of cutting in and giving your opinion about a matter of taking the conversation back to yourself, let the other person pour out what’s in their heart by asking good questions.

But what makes a good question?

It’s difficult to define what a good question is, but as a guideline, I would suggest asking questions that are open-ended. The key is to strike the right balance between questions that don’t lead to a one-word answer, but ones that constrain the freedom just enough that it won’t burden them with coming up with the topic.

A good example could be:

“What did you learn about at the chemistry lecture today?”

Instead of:

“How was Uni?” — Too much freedom (The first thing that would pop up into my mind would be “Good.. and uhh.. yeah met some friends.. blah blah”)

“Did you go to Uni today?” — Closed question